Sandwich Generation... now open faced...

Three score and ten...the path changes again.

2010-05-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

[For me, everything is related. It was comforting to learn that information processing differences are common between the sexes- -I can lose most women too! "I chase rabbits," "I'm spacey..." This model distinguishing men in general as compartmentalizing, and women in general as weaving everything together in a giant web... this one works for me! If you can't follow my thoughts here... you may be looking for a point that simply doesn't exist- -I'm just sharing how my gut has tied things together... THEN, at the very last minute, MAYBE there will be a pont- -a conclusion- -but maybe not. I'm still in the middle, so there may not be enough information yet to really reach a conclusion... If it drives you crazy, you may want to just step to the next blog... if you can put up with the tension, MAYBE this will help you understand the poor folks in your world who may proces like ME! ]

The people who live with us often make us the victim of their worst assets. But before you agree to wholeheartedly, it does work both ways. Lately I've said mean things to my kids... always with the hope that they will cowboy up and take on life's challenges in a different way... And my kids have been down right cruel to me! ...but they have also been sweet and understanding ...probably not always trying to manipulate me!

Well, two years ago, even two months ago, I was sandwiched between kids and parents... but now I'm free? Sort of. It doesn't feel at all free. Losing parents - -even standing by as they lose significant abilities--is NOT UNlike birthing babies. Remember those hot, somewhat uncomfortable days of pregnancy? Especially as D-day loomed nearer, no position was right! Whatever made one part of me feel good, seemed to oppress another part! ...i looked forward to delivery. THEN D-day arrived and I clearly recall telling the attendants to just let me go home, I liked being pregnant afterall- -I'd just let the baby stay in there!

I'm so glad they didn't listen! Those labor pains were rough, but soon forgotten as we wondered what was happening to my silent baby! My husband left my side to photograph what he feared were the last pictures we might have of our son... I was left to wonder alone, momentarily distracted as the OB "put that needle WHERE?!!!" We were blessed. Our son was just having precautionary procedures done prior to his first breath- -after what seemed like hours, but really moments later, we heard that beautiful cry! A cry which announced to all who would hear that he wasn't so happy about all these events either.

Whether my parents hiding their falls, or kids hiding broken nic-nacs... there is a fight going on and even though we are on the same team, it FEELS like we are enemies. Jesus used this parental loyalty to make a point, assuming all of his listeners would fully understand the analogy: What parent gives his child a stone when he asks for bread? (Matthew 7) And yet we DO refuse our children's WANTS for lots of different reasons. Rarely just to be mean.

Why is it so hard for aging parents to admit to falls, or the need for a cane/walker? Why are we able to easily admit some things but painfully avoid other confessions? is this in any way comparable to our role as child to our creator? As I'm sandwiched between parent, spouse, and child, ALL of these relationships are full of my best intentions... rarely does anyone see my intentions, they react to real stuff and ASSUME my intentions.

I have admired for years BOY SCOUT parents who withheld the driver license until AFTER their boy had earned Eagle. I adopted that goal. It was a reasonable challenge for my son. If he achieved Eagle Rank at say 14, he would be able to proceed to get his license on schedule (not at 14) according to state law. but if he dawdled, then at 16, he would have to wait. Eagle is a way of pulling together all of the strengths & interests of a scout, adding some new skills and use leadership skills to not only accomplish the rank requirement, but to give something significant to the community... in the process, everyone sees the character of the fledging Eagle and the eagle develops a new confidence in his ability to work together with others to accomplish big things! OH, such a lofty goal! My son was on board for a while... he was on schedule to complete the challenge... but somewhere along the way, the process became something I was forcing on him. was it mean to force him? was it mean to let him quit? parents face this decision all the time: sometimes it's sports or music lessons, cleaning their plate, cleaning their room, cutting their hair, getting ears or whatever pierced, going to church... how do we make the decisions? when do we yield to the child?

For me these decisions are very hard. Sometimes I just abdicate my responsibility and just walk away from the decision... often I've done that. It doesn't work. With my parents there were lines I just couldn't cross- -afterall these folks are adults! I was assured that I'd know when it became time to "take the keys away." Knowing the TIME doesn't make it any easier. Arguments that challenge motives... WHY? Why would I want to add dependent adults to my list of things to do? For that matter, why would we not rush to give everyone of our kids freedom so we don't have to drive them and schedule our lives to include them? WHY? Given a little space, I still recall the pain- -My Dad saying I wanted to belittle him by keeping him dependent... my son saying that I want to refuse to let him grow up... maybe not in so many words: both grasping for independence and control, one wanting change, the other struggling to hold on to status quo.

I'm forced into a place of responsibility- -even decsion making, while I also struggle feeling that EVERYONE wants a piece of me! Oh, the joy of being needed! this is the sandwich... often it's a jam sandwich all of us jammed into a situation with little room to breathe nor time to think... and it's NOT new.

The Bible is filled with some pretty raunchy stuff. It's real life. A father gets drunk and sons disrespect the him... a brother takes his step sister to bed- -no marriage, only the forbidden calling like a barker at the midway. A wife seeks to betray her husband, but when refused, she lies and has the servant thrown in prison! A grandmother, so jealous of her thrown that she has her grandsons killed... A father who is so concerned that his older daughter will never marry, that he gives her in marriage through a trick- -to the man who loves his younger daughter... a man so angered at the oppression he sees that he kills a man... another man reacts impulsively and cuts off the ear of a soldier...

Just when i'm convinced that i'm a failure at whatever, God reminds me of some folks who really blew it: a guy in lust with the girl next door arranges to have her, seeks to hide his act, and then arranges for her husband to be killed so he can marry her! THIS guy is the one God chooses... prostitutes, bad fathers, thieves, adulterers, politicians, are among the others chosen! While God sent his onlybegotten Son to live here without sin, he chose to use many flawed characters in spite of their poor choices. So while I'm obsessing over whether to allow this or that... and replaying past conversations again and again... opportunities to make a difference are lost.

Life is like that. Ups and downs... Distractions that rip our attention from those things that SHOULD be central, and lead us down a path of discontentment... Sometimes we act badly. We may say or do things that hurt others and being so self-absorbed, we are oblivious to the pain we've caused. IF we realize what we've done, we MAY head down yet another distracting path- -beating ourselves up, rolling around in guilt and remorse. The down side can get pretty LOW.

As an individual I have needs to be needed, loved, valued... lots of needs. Food, clothing and shelter- - oh yeah, and sex. Juggling the needs of lover, friends, children and now parents: this can REALLY overwhelm. When the children are babies, dependent on us for everything, we don't really think of the need of "being needed."

Later when parents are needy, perhaps dependent, bed-ridden... or worse juggling to balance of self-control (keys or NO keys?) and dependence (unable to remember or perform the tasks that used to be second nature...) - -we're sandwiched between the love of our parents and our teens... and the added pulls of spouse, work, and well yes, church, too. "Being loved" feels more like a duty than a need.

Even "being valued" - -as folks comment what a good mother, daughter, teacher, or volunteer... THAT even becomes a source of pressure: internally, a push to be super MOM and it kind of morphs into a feeling of not being cared for who I am, but rather for what I DO... HENCE, with comments coming right and left- -POSITIVE comments- -I still felt at times like NOBODY really cares about ME!

So what is the answer? Loosing my Mom twenty two months ago, and my dad 7 weeks ago, I'm seeing those presures in a different light. I wonder if it's posible to make this adult journey without at least a few flubb-ups! We can't control what OTHERS do... we can't control many of the things that happen to us and the responsibilities which fall on our shoulders... so it's easy to FEEL that we are enslaved to everyone. In the case of our parents, we have responsibility but often very little input... and in the case of our kids... well, the same. We give input but it is often misunderstood or not heard at all... or perhaps it is heard and understood, but rejected.

What is the purpose of this journey? If we know from the beginning that it won't be perfect... are we doomed to spend the rest of our lives mourning over all the hurts and failures? I think not.

Philippians 4:8 tells us how to think. That means we have a choice. We CAN think about the good, the pure, the honest; we CAN dwell on the finer things in the folks around us. We can look to see how God is in what is happening. We can believe that God is personal, not an impersonal "higher power." We can look for His involvement in our lives and we can seek His involvement. Romans 8:28 says that He works all things together for good when we accept His call and His purposes.

My Dad died quick and that was a blessing. My Mom lingered- -and suffered a bit, bed-ridden for a mere 6 weeks... and THAT was a blessing. did God plan the way of their deaths? I think probably not, but I don't know. I chose to think that he was with us THROUGH those events and brought blessing through them.

I had an aunt who was brilliant- -after WWII, she went to Europe and learned several languages as she served in the state department (a secretary or something like that) but she also had her demons. Alcohol could put her under the table and she couldn't seem to refuse it. Alcohol probably got it's foothold because of several losses in the early years of her life. She was sweet and kind but she was also troubled. I know that SOME parts of her life were easy for her to yield to God... I suspect that she had some things that she couldn't release... couldn't accept forgiveness. before you can accept forgiveness, you must by definition admit that you NEED the forgiveness. Thants not so easy.

My mother was able to go to university and study art. her art was a personal thing and she did little to make a living with it. THIS brought great resentment from my aunt... even thirty years later near the time of her death, she continue to bemoan the fact that she had not been able to go to college and OH what she could have accomplished IF she had... release it! Let it go! before we can forgive others, we must be able to accept forgiveness.

This is really long... I wonder if anyone reads these things... if it makes any sense and if so, does it help you to sort out your life? It helps ME just to write it. perhaps it should be my DIARY, not my BLOG! i'm not sure my rabbit trails have come full circle yet, but their close... May god bless you!

Holiday thots...

2009-12-10T06:25:00.000-08:00

"Happy Holidays..." Lot's of reactions to this wish.

I'm thinking of how that phrase totally ignores the REAL reason for the season... Jesus' birth is the reason we celebrate CHRISTmas. Perhaps HE is not the reason for THEIR celebration- -SO... should THEY say "Merry Christmas anyway? Like SAYING "I'm sorry." when really you aren't in fact you will do the same again if given the opportunity... Words are worthless if they don't reflect our heart... So instead of saying "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Holidays!" perhaps we should just say "I hope we get what we want!" "Stay well, and enjoy your family!" "I hope my money holds out..." "Keep your Chin up!" "I hope we don't get all bent out of shape about the money spent or not there to spend... I hope I'm wrong when I sense that to my loved ones, MAYBE I'm just a machine to grant their wishes... " perhaps we don't REALLY believe that Jesus is GOD's gift to us - - to bring us back into harmony with Him when we have used every ounce of our freedom to push Him out of our lives... I KNOW the words are symtomatic of our country's attempt to turn from God, BUT I think we're really upset that the non-believers have put the spotlight on the shallowness the "faith" they see in believers. OUCH! "SAY 'I'M SORRY!' " we shout... when we should be seeking the whys...
I'm also thinking that for many of us, all holidays (ESPECIALLY Thanksgiving, Christmas, maybe Easter... birthdays ,too...) all these holidays are anything but happy. We remember sad times... we remember happy times that are gone forever... We see people around us buying what we can't buy... talking about family we won't see... It can easily become a pity party! Just writing these words, I first saw the faces of lonely friends... then I became in touch with my OWN lonely places... It's possible to go through the motions and look HAPPY when the depth of sorrow within us seems insurmountable- -death, job loss, broken relationships... Is it any wonder that this time of year sees SO many suicides? Everyone around them acts out the play: "HAPPY Holidays! Merry Christmas!" There is that spotlight again... surely we must be the only one who feels so low... PRETEND- -try to forget, dull the pain with alcohol/drugs. I wonder what would happen IF we took Jesus at His word? When greeted by sisters, heart-broken at the death of their brother: Jesus didn't say "Cheer up! Just don't think about it!" "Jesus wept." That's it. John 11:35 is so telling about what was important to Jesus. Why did He weep? His friend had died. His friends were bereaved. He knew he would also have to die. Whatever was behind his tears, THIS I know: He didn't pretend to be happy, "Jesus wept." Something else though, Jesus didn't stay immersed in his tears, grief - - He did something. he walked and talked to friends and to God... and He gave us a glimpse beyond the brevity of THIS life... no matter how FINAL... how lonely... looking toward the end of His life we see that even under the oppression of government out of control.... Jesus held fast to something bigger than the immediate concern. "Can ANYTHING good come out of Nazareth?"
"Happy Holidays!" NO! "Merry Christmas!" No. That's not it either. Let's encourage folks to be honest. If you don't believe it, don't say it. NOW, fellow Christians, what should be our testimony to unbelievers? "If you don't SAY you believe, I won't shop at your store?" Come on, let's see the REAL Jesus in this. Jesus knew something we often forget, no matter how happy they SEEM on the outside - -handling their stresses over money, love and maybe they seem to be enjoying undisciplined passions - - They are miserable, without Jesus. AND no matter how miserable WE naturally should be when facing losses, stress and crises: When we focus on Jesus, AND TRUST that God is bigger than all of it, eternal and truly cares for us... our message should be one of hope and confidence in the face of despair, not criticism.

My LIFE is a web

2009-10-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

In his DVD workshop on Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerich makes a comment about a typical woman's "webbing" way of telling a story. Everything that happens is connected in some way to everything else. Where men are able to compartmentalize everything, we tend to integrate all our experiences. As Emerson says, "not right or wrong, just different!" Confusing to men and alot of women too, this chasing rabbits seems disconnected and chaotic, but give us enough time and we will bring closure to all those loose ends!

My LIFE is like a web- -I always assumed EVERYONE felt this, guess not. Romans 8:28 describes life long webbing. It's not that everything is GOOD: all things work TOGETHER for good, in the end... as we are looking toward HIS purposes. That's webbing, to me.

Whether a story that my husband could tell in 10 minutes and it takes me a good hour, or an event that was over in a span of days- -say my brother's sucide July 23, 1973 up through his burial a few days late: I'm STILL figuring out what God would have me learn from experiences so intwined in the fabric of my life.

My father speaks often of his readiness to depart this world for the next. he confides that he doesn't want to leave ME, he is just ready to see Jesus, my Mom and his son. So often my mind drifts around past, present, future, good, bad, Bible verses and applications... this morning I was pulling together conclusions to share upon the death of my Dad. Why wait for his death?

I'm not going to tell lies and imply sainthood where there was none, but rather look at my folk's marriage from my outside view. Inspite of how things appeared at times, I'll try to give them the benefit of any doubt- -trusting that both of them had good will.

To remain married for 58 years, is no feat if the people are perfect and life is perfect! LIFE is NOT perfect, neither people, so lasting marriages are celebrated accomplishments: ONE year, whew!; TEN years, whew!; 25 yrs, 50 years! Celebrated if for no other reason: they never killed each other!

To my Dad, my Mom was wonderful when he married her... since the two months before her death, he has seen her with those eyes again.

At least three generations with unique concerns

2009-09-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

WOW! I just listened to part 2 of a FOF program on the dangers of "hooking up." There are so many things we'd like to spare the newer generation- -our kids and their friends. I'd like to tell them TO TRY TO LEARN sooner how to learn by other means than experience...

Our society has a problem with things sexual. It's been forbidden and the object of our rebellion; it's been avoided and the reason for our hang-ups; it's been reinvented - -redefining it's purpose and methodology, and it's been covered by free condoms and abortion which in theory erase any remaining consequences.

For years we have been telling young people a lie. Our media and our schools have stated that protected sex is safe sex. Safe sex protects us from unwanted pregnancy and disease. Sexual behavior outside a committed relationship is casual sex there are consequences besides pregnancy and disease. Consequences remain even after an abortion.

This FOTF broadcast features Dr. Freda McKissic Bush and a discussion of what the current thinking is doing to our young people. Dr. Bush co-authored a book, Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. The broadcast is entitled, "The Dangers of Hooking Up." For a limited time, you may click on a direct link from my Blog. After a week or so, you'll need to go to the FOTF archives to hear it. It's well worth the effort!

When the young man tells about the birth of his daughter, watching her fight for her life and then learning that she will be fighting the REST OF HER LIFE to avoid herpes flair up ... all because he contracted Herpes through casual sex prior to marriage and believed the myth that Herpes is harmless absent a flair up. This will break your heart but needs to be stated.

I am so sick hearing people profess to be supporters of young people and yet they lead them into streets marked with destruction. The issues in our country ARE quite complicated. We are a pluralistic nation seeking to give rights to all points of view. The only thing our country opposes right now is any position that would limit options... limiting freedoms is opposed with a vehemently.

My freedoms used to end where yours began. That settled everything. Now the country is seeking to impose a hierarchy of whose freedoms matter the most. even the phrases used by our politicians imply that the country, the constitution, the government, protects only SOME of it's people. Something isn't right here. Sure we protect the defenseless, but we also protect those who prosper and we seek to protect victims from other victims... We seem to be leaning toward taking advantage of victims.

So here we sit. If you're wondering what will happen to your aging relatives or you're wondering how to prepare your young children and grandchildren for the inevitable choices before them... if you are overwhelmed by the day to day frustrations only to be bombarded by political talking which sounds like it will have grave consequences... you are not alone. I pray that you can say with me: "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds the future."
Welcome to the sandwich generation!

2009-09-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

My life has been molded by my response to key events. Yours too? Some of us are bitter; often blaming parents or teachers or bosses. They are correct in saying their parents "screwed up." They will too if they accept the responsibility of children.

But what do we do the blunders happen? life and death issues; the tragedies that knock you in the gut without warning, as well as the longterm conditions- -maybe illness or handicap- -those situations which may change, but are not likely to get much better. Then what?

Originally I began this blog in response to my stress, sandwiched between parents and kids, none of whom wanted to need me. The fight for independence is unrelenting!
Reality includes aging bodies, mental decline, slower reflexes- -which denied can lead us to act out in silly or dangerous ways. Have you watched folks playing contact sports when a broken bone could easily mean being bed-ridden? Should we even mention driving a car in traffic?

Tragedy... CHANGE: Threats to our freedom to IMAGINE we can continue as we are.

God is real and personal. He cares. We want to enjoy what we know- -our comfort zone- -and fear the unknown if we move on and embrace the future. It helps me to know the God is with me and won't leave whether i'm the victim or the one acting out. So how do I respond to life's challenges? I can blame or retaliate. I can stand there staring at the void which once held dreams. I can become bitter, believing that everything is false, tricks, maybe even add a touch of hate. But God is there wanting me to be open to his presence. OPEN-MINDED...just believe it's possible.

True that! I think I'm discovering how to enjoy trips to ER, bathroom messes, and ... Life is the journey. NOT the destination. That interaction with people... even with jerks like ME! we have a lot to offer each other... even when we disagree. Because God is personal, all of these experiences are opportunities for us to connect with HIM- -Jesus relates to us through his Holy Spirit...

That can sound scarey, but god doesn't try to overpower us. often i wish he would! If God would control me, I wouldn't make these blunders. But he doesn't, so I do... Not only that but everyone around me blunders to their own purposes and we really get tangled up!

Is God wanting us to be perfect? TRY... well, no...He knows you never will be perfect. He's looking for the connect. just like we smile and beam when our kid tries to make Mother's day breakfast- -but really makes a MESS! God is looking at our heart- -not just our intention, but WHERE is our heart?

There is so much potential for interating with God... the creator of the whole universe! Jesus said that we can be ONE with God, connected and not at cross purposes. That's more than being one with NATURE... more than just a calm chai...

It's not OUR energy it' GOD we need to tap into to spiritually.